It has been awhile since the last
time I saw her. Yet at the back of my head she is constantly on my mind. I hate
the fact that I miss her so much, but it seems like I am not even in her
thoughts. I wonder if she even cared for me enough to know about all the shit I
have got myself into.

The truth is that I do not want
to blame her. I understand that she has her own life, that she is busy, and she
has her commitments. But all I asked for was a simple SMS from her to show that
she does bother about me. I tried initiating meetings, I tried messaging, I tried
calling, all but to no avail.

I wanted to tell her my
disappointment. Yet I do not wish to know that what I want to say may hurt her
in return. I have seen her solemn face before and how she shed tears of pain. I
do not want to be the one to inflict such hurt in her.

She may have her reasons, but I guess
it really does not take much effort to check on someone you cherish, it goes to
show how much standing I have in her life. I am already on the verge of giving
up trying.

To me, she is such an important friend.
Maybe to her, I am just not as significant. Perhaps, this is just a friendship that
is not reciprocated. And all that is left are memories of us having fun hanging out
together.

I heard that the case is coming to a close and
that I will be hearing from the authorities soon. Finally, I can take a
breather now and declare that I may be free from yet another accusation case
off my hands. What are the odds for one to receive a phone bill for a mobile
line that he/she never signed up for? I doubt it is something you expect from
your everyday life. And as though receiving bills of $120.00 monthly is not bad
enough, I get accused of being involved in this fraud case.

The telecommunication company actually suspected
me for staging this whole ridiculous incident. Just because I used to be a part
time employee, does not give you the right to conveniently malign me. I lost my
identity card approximately 1.5 year ago, I should be the one kicking a big
fuss over how they can actually allow an imposter to use my identity card,
forge my signature, and sign up for a new mobile line, and not them turning the
table around to question me.

My first discussion session with the guy from the
Telco’s fraud team simply added fuel to my fire. I was so furious, I could
visualize myself slapping and kicking him. I really did not appreciate his
sarcasms and whatever repercussions he ‘kindly’ informed me. The second
discussion with him made me feel like killing him literally. So go figure how
much angst I felt.

Despite all these interrogations I had to go
through, and eventually knowing that I am cleared from all these finger
pointings, I was still not informed of who the culprit is. I hate the fact that
my lost identity card can miraculously resurface after having disappeared for
such a long time, and still not know what that f**ker has done with it. I have
this nagging feeling that it is an inside job like how they suspected me
before, and it is someone whom I know. Well, if my gut feeling is right, it
goes to show how much trust one should place in the people around them. The
word trust is often so misused by people who want to be believed in. Yet in
many situations, we choose to believe in these people we assumed are friends.
Utterly disgusted by a few trustees who have betrayed me, I do not really see
myself placing my trust in anyone, anymore.

Then again, maybe the problem lies with me. I
tend to be naive, because I chose not to believe people are really that ugly.
Maybe that is why I am to be taken advantage of and be leverage on. I am
probably a convenient target for some to wipe their shit off me without having
to dirty their own freaking rotting hands, after they did something wrong and
have no balls to face up to it.

Sigh, but what is there to do? Maybe I should
embrace a famous quote from someone, “Life’s like that”, and live with it.
Seems like nothing I can do about it.

I wrote it here, because I know
you will probably see this. Given your nonsensical, childish and moronic
behaviour, I will just say it once just so you will never bother me again.

I don’t know your boyfriend well
alright?! I don’t even freaking know his full name. I don’t know where he
lives. I don’t have his contact number. We are new friends, but completely
platonic. He is a great friend, and I pity him for having to entertain you when
you go berserk blaming any random person for cracks in your relationship. I
believe he deserved someone else better than you, and I will never blame him if
he really leaves you for someone else better.

I have enough issues on my hand,
and I seriously don’t need you to malign me this way. I am sure of myself, and
my conscience is clear. You should be ashamed of yourself for ranting at me
even before you get details of the full picture.

So please, go far away from me.
If the next message I get from you is not an apology then I rather not hear
from you. And if you should try any of such illogical accusation on me again, I
assure you I will not let you have the cheek to walk on the face of earth again.

You can continue blabbering on
about what the definition of friendship is, because true friends will never use
words to define their ties. I am not afraid of you and what your screwed up
mind can do. My friends know me well enough and will never judge me.
Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for you. For someone so irrational and
unfeeling, I doubt you ever have true friends, which probably explains your
craziness now.

Then again I do not really see
the need in explaining to you my friendship with anyone or everyone. Who are
you to me? Do you even know me? I do not need a photo or MSN address to add a
friend on friendster, and I certainly do not need to delete your boyfriend off
my account. I do not freaking need your opinion or your permission in my
affairs. So if you would please, you can continue slandering my friend and I,
because in the end it only goes to show how much an insecure freak you are and
what a chick brain you have.

Have the guts to face me, and stop hiding behind your façade, acting like you are damn
mighty. I am not fearful, because I have done no wrong.

Between boredom and reality..

It is almost a standstill in life. There seems no direction
and my energy is soon depleting. What an awkward way for me to start this New
Year. It had been a really long journey throughout my 25 years of living on
this crazy world.

Sometimes I really want to just break away from it all and
start anew somewhere else. It may seem like an idea I have never considered,
but I guess Melbourne does hold some
of my most wonderful times with people I love. Do not get me wrong, I am going
no where far. However, it may not be too late to start opening new windows to
how my life can be lived.

I fear of uncertainty. Period. Yet as ironic as it sounds, I
must learn to beat my fears and become a person whom I think I can love. Stop
living for others, start doing it for myself. In time to come, I know I will
love myself more.

On a lighter note, my mum is doing better and recovering
from her colon infection. Hopefully, the check ups this week will be positive
and find nothing else more disturbing. My mum told me that I will not have
dinner for tonight. I think it is because my parents are hopeless romantics and
will be celebrating their 30^th wedding anniversary alone somewhere
for dinner. If only “new age” relationships can all be as sweet as that, I definitely
hope mine will eventually beat theirs.

"Happy 30th Anniversary Mum & Dad!!"

Recently I have been pondering on which is worse?
"Regret" or "Forget". If you are wondering why I seem to be
nonsensical enough to actually come up with such things, that is because I have
too much time on my hands and do not bother asking me why. So take a pick and
tell me your answer. I am seriously
curious as to what the majority thinks.

Uncategorized | Comment (1)

Hello 2007!!

2006 had not exactly been a great year.

There were many things I wished I never did, many words I wished
I did not say. Many things I should have done, but procrastination always got
in the way.

Many people have said before that I am someone who is easily
contented, but am I really so? If I am, then why am I still unsatisfied? Why does
every tomorrow seems so bleak to me?

Thankfully, when I count my blessings, I do see many friends
who stayed around me during my ups and downs. I am really glad that life is not
really that hopeless for me. They are the friends who are supportive of me, and
very encouraging in the things that I have done. For that, I am honestly very
grateful to all of them.

I am really not a person who makes New Year resolutions, but
I guess if I have to, I want to be someone more confident, someone who makes
good decisions. I want to find a job that I like, a job that can sustain my
lifestyle which also allows both my parents to retire in the near future.

I want to strike a good balance and I seriously want to be
happy with everything that goes on in my life. Yet a simple wish as it is,
often seems to be highly beyond my reach as well. I guess life in many ways is ironic,
and I may not have gone through enough to understand it well. Hopefully in this
year to come, I will grow richer in knowledge, start looking at the world in
realism and live smart.

Happy New Year Peeps! I hope 2006 had been great for you, may
the year 2007 be better and more fulfilling for all~

I am officially 25 years old! Not that I am ecstatic over the fact that I am.

Thanks to the many who have wished me a Happy Birthday, you have no idea how much it meant to me. This year’s birthday is a quiet one, I do not really have plans for celebration, yet on this day itself, I felt like I need to get out of home and find myself something to do without feeling too pathetic. My last minute planning did not help at all. My SIM pals are mostly occupied, thus agreeing on a post birthday meet up instead. Alan is in reservist now, hence I felt even more bored and not knowing what I should do to perk up my “special day”. Thankfully, I have my best friend to fall back on. Felt kind of bad because I know I have not been able to spend my birthday with her for quite a while, and when I felt most alone, she was there to accompany me.

Jx and I did not have exciting plans, just a simple dinner at the Subway for some sandwiches, and a movie date. Haha. Yeah, imagine two girls catching a Korean love comedy together. I guess the highlight of the night was when we decided to take some neoprints for remembrance. I almost forgot when was the last time we did that. Both of us felt kind of old trying our hands on new age neoprints. Boy, all that variety of machines nearly drove us nuts, so many fanciful background and decorative functions. We were already perspiring by the end of the whole photo taking and decorating. I guess age is definitely catching up on us. =P The Korean show we caught was titled “Almost Love”. It was really quite funny and entertaining. Even though it was rather predictable, I would say that it was also rather heart warming and sweet. I spent my birthday “countdown” on a cab. Nothing else was worth mentioning, unless you consider endless internet surfing throughout the night as something exciting too.

Woke up in the afternoon and saw quite a number of SMSes on my handphone. I was pleasantly surprised because up till yesterday’s midnight, I had only two birthday greetings through phone. I came to realized that people do remember. Haha. As much as I thought my birthday is just another day, I guess I felt really happy to receive that amount of birthday SMSes. Spent my birthday at home, figuring out the many functions of photoshop, and just trying to keep myself entertained. Had a simple meal with my family and my mum bought me a tiny cake just for formality =) . My parents made me peel my own red eggs, and even asked me to pick out four numbers for them to buy 4D haha. So there you go. That was how I spent my birthday.

I must not forget to thank my RCY gals who planned a birthday get together last week for Jx, Jen and I. Had a great dinner steamboat buffet at Suntec and received a pretty bag from them. In addition, Derrick also lent us his place for another steamboat dinner for my birthday celebration with Michelle. Jolene and Derrick were so sweet, they even gave me a present too. That night at his place ended me all stressed up though, having to learn how to play mahjong and all. Haha.

Many other people to thank for their smses, here they are:

1. Chong Thiam! My trusty net friend whom I have not been contacting, thanks pal!
2. My cousins Sheena and Nigel for their lovely testimonials.
3. Ant Yeo, Lijie, Xan, Ah Ping, Law, Lizhen, Michelle, Jolene, Chikin, Miss Ros and Zhijia for their SMSes
4. Ming, Weijie whom I "forced" to wish me over MSN, and Jem, HZ, Shufen and Weifu who "automatically" wished me a happy birthday.
5. Dot and Sharon who called me and wished me.

   I am going to meet another of my cousin tomorrow for our long awaited KTV session, have not seen her for so long; I cannot wait to see her soon.

I guess the rest of the week will be some more post birthday get togethers with my RCY pals and my SIM friends. Come to think of it, this year’s birthday may not seem so dull after all. =P

a moment of silence..

I guess we would never be able to understand how short life really is. How there are times we really want to make the most out of it, but were not given the chance to. Sometimes, I feel really frustrated, and helpless as to how growing up means learning to accept the ways of life. There were many times I wished I have done things differently, hoping that maybe the outcomes might be better. Yet realistically, I knew that turning back in time is impossible.

I was definitely saddened by the news that one of my friend had just passed away in a motorbike accident. She was so young, with so much zest in life. Memories of how I met her flashed across my mind at an instant. I suddenly remembered the concern she showered over me when I was a mere 13 year old girl, sobbing over an incident that left me in fright. How I followed her to pluck mangoes from the tree behind our campsite’s kitchen, and pulled out my t-shirt to catch hold of them. She was the one who knew exactly what were available in our campsite that can be used for cooking. Plants like the curry leaves, chilli padis, lime, or even coconut, rambutans and mangoes for our refreshments. She was a great cook, a physically strong girl, a jovial and fun person to be with. I could not imagine how she could have been gone. She was the wonder woman of our department, probably the only one who can lift a stretcher up the ambulance on her own, the one who rides on a scrambler and play a tough game of rugby for our nation. Yet, a twist of fate took her away from us. The same bike she rides on caused her death.

As usual, I did not shed a single tear. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to display my emotions. I regret not being the sort who keeps constant contact with the people I love, taking for granted that they will definitely be alive and well. I believe that her passing is a wake up call for me. That I should really start appreciating people and cherish them before it is too late. Yes, I know it sounds like cliché, but this incident together with Jonathan’s and Mr. Wong Kiao’s deaths made me open my eyes and start seeing things differently. I am at my quarter life, but I will never know if I ever live to see fruits of my labour. I will also never know which day is the last for me or my loved ones. If I am to continue with my lukewarm kind of attitude towards my friends, I may just live to regret it. I do not want to wait until the passing of an even closer friend before I am finally enlightened. I do not want to wait till it is too late and I do not want to live in regrets. I supposed I still cannot believe the fact that she is gone. I wonder if everyone who cared for her found out that she is no longer around. Do we have to wait till something crops up before we take the effort to keep in touch with a friend?

I am still unsure as to how I will react when I attend her wake. I just hope it is not too late to show her that I do care by paying her my last respects.

Lee Yan Ling, affectionately known as Jane, has left us on the 1^st June 2006. She had been a mentor, who guided me through my Red Cross days in the Training Department, a friend who lent me a helping hand when I was down. She was the one whom never failed to brighten up a room with her jokes or whipped up a sumptuous meal with her cooking skills. A combination of tomboyishness with a touch of femininity, she is a gem. A wonderful person gone too soon and she was only 27. Jane, you will be dearly missed by all of us in TD. I hope you are in a better place now.

beginning to hate sch..

Argh! Bloody hell! I’m so darn angry. I have tolerated them for too long. Maybe it’s culture shock, I mean, I really did try to be as accommodating as possible. But try as I/we might, they just would not keep their bloody big mouth shut!! Argh!!

Wonder why is SIM taking in SOOOOO many international student. I felt like, we, the local students have now become the minority. Every inch of school is taken up by them. I guess, WE ARE NOW THE INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS instead. Sigh.

My exams are approaching. With a week more to crunch all my notes, and not being able to join " The Dark Side", it is really important for me to concentrate on my notes. But alas, the "IBMs" are really a pain in the arse. They can’t keep their mouth shut. They like to hang out at the student lounge and play poker cards!! Yah!! Poker cards, ain’t that illegal??? Sigh, I have already "Shhh.." them many times. However, it had totally NO effect on them. They like to collectively sit at the sofa and chat LOUDLY, then laugh LOUDLY, doing all that in their native language. Oh! And they like to hang out in groups of tens.

I’m not a racist, and have nothing against people of other nationalities. But this whole week of tolerating has reached our boiling point. We have decided to "retreat" away from that Hua1 Guo3 San1, (flower-fruit-mountain.. The one that the Monkey God stayed in with all his khakis..??) to a quieter place for study.

I hope that all these are just merely a part of culture shock. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m too sensitive. But hey, it’s exams period for goodness sake, can’t they even keep their volume down or keep the toilets clean? Dammit, I don’t even want to start discussing about the current toilet hygiene every since their invasion. Argh!! I’m feeling so much angst now. Shall stop here for now.

RCY!!

It’s funny how a little search for my old Red Cross workshop notes can actually bring back so much memories. I was trying to find some games/activities for a project on leadership, and I had to literally dig out all the files and papers that I kept in a big blue box. I started going through the things in the files. Things that are dated back to the year 1996. Wait, isn’t that like 9 years ago?

I can still remember how I was being introduced to Training Department in 1995, I was only 14. Mr Matthew Lee, was the Officer-in-charge of Footdrill Course. And yes, Matthew Sir, I can still remember how you "welcomed" us.That thunderous voice you used, everytime you asked if we understood you. =)Time flies isn’t it? Matthew Sir is now happily married and already a father of two. (or maybe it’s 3 now? haha) FD course was an eye opener for me, and I have made some really great friends whom I am still in contact with. Hmm… I wonder how is Mr Ng Meng Heng? He used to be the HOD of TD.

I attended a total of three courses by TD, and I must say Cadet Officers’ Course is the most memorable experience I have in RCY. As this is a course for only the chair and vice chair persons in each RCY units. I find myself in the company of supposedly the best cadets in RCY. I count myself very lucky for being in group Alpha, because I seriously think we are the best group. We were not the most competitive, but we all enjoyed each others’ company alot. No back stabbings, no internal competition. Makes me wonder how are Angela, Kang Zhong, King Bank and Meiling. Those were the days man. All the silly jokes about Kang Zhong and his double sided tape, and the mystery behind the han-yu-pin-yin name of King Bank. The list can go on and on. I really hope everyone is getting on fine now.

This whole RCY experience made me quite a different person. To think that my primary school form teacher actually once described me as a DEMURE girl. I bet my friends now are laughing their heads off. But seriously, those friends I made from TD and JSSRCY are the best I ever had. Yup, they may say I bo-sim and stuff, but I really think I don’t have to explain myself too much either. They should know that they do have a very special place in me. I’m pretty sure that if not for the instructors’ gruelling trainings, I would probably be just another girl who is very particular about drinking from the tap, or freaked out over the tiniest things.

How I got to join RCY was purely due to an unexpected turn of events in JSS. The activities in TD or JSSRCY filled most of my teenage days. But somehow or rather, I think I really have no regrets. I’m really proud I stayed in it for the whole of ten years (4 in sec sch, 6 in TD).

I mean, I can really go on and on about RCY. Haha, but I realised this is getting too long. To end off, friends that are missing in action, please add me in friendster if you see this ok? Let’s keep in touch.

happie 24th..

thanks to many of u who have wished me a happie birthday.. unfortunately i have taken ill on my birthday itself.. haha.. doc didnt really diagnose wats caused my gastric problem.. but didnt rule out the possibility of too much alchohol on sat nite =P

well. i started off sat with at least 2 full glasses of red wine.. then went to derrick’s house for another session of wine drinking.. hee.. i was having a headache since earlier that day.. but i wasnt able to take any painkillers due to the alcohol in me.. hai.. just gotta endure..

we finally made or way to le chamauex.. opened a bottle of chivas.. there were no other customers around.. it was like we booked the whole place to ourselves.. gera and bryan joined us as well.. haha.. we all had few rounds of drinks.. the guys played their cards and games of pool.. took quite a number of photos..then we all left for devils bar..

over there.. i drank a few sips of beer and jack daniels in neat.. wow.. i wasnt really feeling too good.. everything seemed to be in a flash .. but i remembered derrick accidentally spilled the barrel of beer over the table .. ( and over gera’s head) haha..

after having enuff fun.. we finally left.. a few of us went to mr beans for supper..i remembered that the prawn fritters were really good.. however.. it was all wasted on me.. cos after i reached alan’s place i puked everything out.. and that was just the beginning..

i puked a total of 3 times the next day.. and i just puked again this morning.. on my bday itself.. i went to the doc.. took a jab.. and while waiting for my medicine.. i sort of fainted.. and was rushed back into the doc’s room.. haha.. think i shocked most nurses there.. doc said it wasnt gastric flu.. hai.. duno whats ailing me.. i guess it was really a memorable bday.. having to puked 4 times.. not being able to eat well.. sleep well.. and even walk without pain in the gastric.. ouch..!!

despite my drowsiness on mon.. and many msgs that came in while im zz.. hee.. i still gotta count my blessings that many ppl did take the effort to send a simple sms..

most punctual greeting: wx..

frens who always remembers: wenyan.. xan.. chengyu.. law.. thiam.. levan.. beeks.. SH.. michelle (and sam).. sheena.. lijie.. jx..

most shocking greetings: an AIA insurance agent who surveyed me at MRT station… and the mgt from McDonald’s.. 

most surprising greetings: robin.. siangping.. lizhen.. peng and peter..shufen..and dot( all the way from aust!)

i may have missed out some lah.. mailbox was full at a pt of time.. gotta thank joleen and derrick for their pretty gift as well..

and to mr alan.. my 2nd bday with u without a cake haha.. nontheless still so enjoyable and memorable.. must really thank u for being so patient taking care of me when im pretty sick these 2 days.. shall feast after im done with my gastric problem..